


you, me and us.

by sometimeswebreakbeforeweshine (orphan_account)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Aquarium!Au, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, aquarium, but its there, lmao im not doing this for any type of attention this is for my friend, loveyou, slight - Freeform, this is about depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-04-30 16:37:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5171426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sometimeswebreakbeforeweshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>luke can't feel everything that's going on and ashton makes him empathize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cliffakitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffakitten/gifts).



> hope you enjoyed this, this was very personal and i don't really think it's something very good  
> but it was written for a friend and i love her to death so  
> yeah  
> bye

Everything was not going well for him. Not anything wrong, _really_. Nothing was spectacularly awful, but after everything that was happening with his dad and mom, they were fighting like crazy, with his grandma in poor health and everyone _demanding_ he'd be okay, well he just kind of shut off.

Nothing really felt relevant anymore. His friends had begun to notice, how he couldn't _really_ pay attention to what they were saying, how he never seemed to really care. Hell, the person who'd noticed that the _most_ , was Luke himself. He wanted to be able to text Michael back and talk him through whatever thing he's going through with his parents, or his boyfriend or even himself. But he _couldn't_. He was frustrated because he wanted to care, he _did care_. He just couldn't. And even when he tried, he just sounded like he doesn't care, and Luke _knows_ it. He just can't _stop_ it.

He’s frustrated with himself, watching himself lose people and get frustrated with himself because he can’t help them, can’t really be there. He’s trying, he’s trying but Michael and Calum can’t see it.

Calum who well yell and scream and insult him just to try to get him to _care_. And he does, he just _can’t._  Calum, who’d yell and threaten to leave and leave a pit in his stomach because he is _trying_. Calum would never even try to understand, try to get why he can’t work with him because of his own head.

He'd nearly lost his best friends over it, over the fact he can't _make_ himself care as much as he wants to. It's impossible for him to really put in words, the overwhelming cloud of grogginess that left the ones he cared about most in the dark. And he hates it. He hates how out of control he feels, how he can’t convince anyone he is tr _ying to **get better** damn it._

This has been a problem for Luke a lot. Namely, at work. Normally, Luke loved his work. His coworkers are lovely and his partner was the highlight of his day, brown haired angel greeting his day with a big  smile and a shiny Apple left on desk. His name was Ashton, and every day he’d light up Luke’s life in the best ways. It was so nice, to wake up to beautiful hazel eyes that swirled with joy, the boy whose head tipped back whenever he laughed. There’s something so nice about being in Ashton’s presence, that he makes everything better.

Luke really did like him, Ashton was someone he liked, someone who made his pulse go high and whose smile he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get through the day without seeing. Luke really, really liked Ashton. It wasn’t actually too bad, because as far as crushes go, he could definitely do worse, and he got to see him every day.

The job at the aquarium was nice, was really great because when he first started, Ashton showed him all his favorite fish tanks and hideaways and soon enough, the glowing tanks of blue casting nets of azure reflections across the walls, and Ashton beside him through it all, it became a second home. Maybe even a first.

Ashton was the one who taught him how to clean the tanks, Ashton’s the one who talked him down after the boss yelled at him for some fuck up. Ashton’s the one who Luke falls asleep texting every night and never, ever wants to say goodbye to. Ashton is an enigma, for Luke. He isn’t just one thing. He never could be. Ashton is home in a person, he is a pine smell to wrap yourself in a hug with, he is the thing you want always. Ashton was Luke’s home and everywhere else was a cheap rendezvous.

Except, right now, he didn’t really feel like a home. Because Ashton wasn’t talking to him. There was no apple on his desk, no giggle in the desk next to his, no jokes Ashton thought he just _had_ to share. Last night, he hadn’t texted at all. There was no flirting over the weekend, no nights pressed against the headboard biting his fist to avoid laughing. Ashton is _here_ , or even if he wasn’t he could _text_. Its so obvious he’s avoiding Luke.

It physically sent an ache to Luke’s chest that Ashton didn’t want to see him. He lived for Ashton’s gaze, his smile, the way his touch would linger in his skin a few moments after Ashton’s actually felt him. It was eating away at him, really, that Ashton, his _friend_ doesn’t want to talk to him. It really causes him physical pain, almost as much as his fight with Michael. Because Ashton is constant as a star, as ideal as one too. Ashton is everything that this _place_ means.

“Hey, Ash, is everything okay?” he hears Melody, the women from the coffee stand ask. He nearly bites his lip to a point of bleeding because all he can think is _he is mine to take care of_. Except he isn’t, is he? He just wants to be _someone_ to Ashton, just wants him to look at him.

He’s not sure what he’s done wrong, but Ashton won’t talk to him, and work feels like sweet torture to be close to him and never say a word.

“Yeah, Melody, M’doing great.”

He seems to be looking straight at Luke when he says it.

It’s hard not to cry.

~oOo~

It’s been a week since Ashton’s said something to him outside of “File the papers,” or “Clean tank three.” God, he sees the aquarium as what he did _before_ he met Ashton. The light thrown across the wall just seems dull to Luke now, now that it hasn’t got the green concoction of delicate hues to bounce against.

The day hadn’t even been that bad. But it was too _much_ ,  a week without Ashton’s attention, and even though he was having a tough time feeling anything, he was bad at his brain for making him feel the _loneliness_.

Which, in short, is why Luke was crying in the store room in front of Ashton over a bag of spilled staples.

It was just before closing time and the lights to everything but the tanks were off. The lights of the tank were gorgeous, the spots dancing across the room in the same way Luke’s nerves are. Ashton is handing off a file with, a concise, “I am your coworker” look and Ashtons just saying he needs to put away the staples. Which, yes, he would definitely be able to handle. It’s small. It’s _tiny_. But he couldn’t. Because Ashton’s whole frame looked poised by angels and his lips looked soft and curved and beautiful and Luke _knows_ that they would’ve been kissing if this happened say, last week.

He drops the staples and they fan out in front of the floor and he feels like an idiot as he and Ashton immediately scoop up the bits of metal.

He can’t help it, and he feels embarrassed and stupid as hot tears streak down his face and he expects Ashton to laugh. But he doesn’t, large hands stroking his face and shushing him, hugging Luke tighter than he’s felt as much while they’re both whispering sorry’s.

“Ash- Ash please, whatever it is that I’ve done, please I just miss you so fucking much.” Luke cried into his fists and Ashton’s hugging him so tight, like maybe if he presses Luke into his chest far enough the goodness of his heart can fix his broken one.

“I was- I thought you didn’t want me,” Ashton admitted softly against Luke’s hairline. He’s holding him so safely and softly like there could never be anything wrong with him. Ashton is looking at him luke he’s more beautiful than anything he’s ever seen. All he’s trying to do is calm him down, because he won’t _stop_ crying.

Luke is sure in that moment that he does not love aquariums as much as he does because of anything but the boy in front of him. He was bare; raw, in that moment. He was confessing to Luke the same thing that Michael did, that he didn’t think Luke cared. But Luke _did_. He did so much, he just couldn’t make himself feel anything. He couldn’t, there was nothing that he could do.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just- it’s been so hard and I’ve closed up and gone numb, I don’t mean to shut you out-”

“That’s fine, that is _fine_ , don’t worry, we’re just gonna get you better, okay?” Ashton’s kissing his cheek and he doesn’t want to seem weak to Ashton, but that doesn’t really matter because Ashton is taking care of him.

“You know,” Ashton says, combing his long fingers through Luke’s hair, pressing a kiss to his hairline, “You’re not the first person to ever have gone through this, this whole numbness and stupid shit. You’re not alone, here. I know you seem like you’re going to lose people, like there’s something wrong with you, like half your brain cares too much and the other’s just shut down." He paused for a moment, halts his touches just for a moment before saying, "My dad, he kind of walked out on us. He didn't really- I just couldn't feel anything, no one could-"

Luke cuts him off with a soft kiss. He doesn't know how to tell Ashton that he isn't broken, that he's not alone. He can't wrap his head around how someone so beautiful could have gone through such pain.

Maybe that's what Ashton thought when he looked at Luke. When his sleeve rolled up and Ashton would hug him a bit longer, a bit tighter, as to tether him to the ground.

Ashton looked at him like he was a thing of beauty that's tearing himself apart.

 **  
** They sit there for a while the fish scatter around the tank, the cobalt light washing over Ashton and his face, feeling like he and Ashton are specks, specks in monolith of water and light, tiny insignificant pieces of nothingness. And at that moment, he couldn’t have been more grateful.


	2. the best days.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aight, self indulgent again but if you get smth out of it I'mreally glad!!  
> for my best friend, natty.  
> love you.

Luke and Ashton are on a break. It’s only because Ashton’s parents have made it  _ impossible  _ for them to see each other and it’s actually totally  _ annoying _ . They made Ashton quit his job at the aquarium (which was so unfair, in Luke’s mind, because he knows how much Ashton loves it) and started watching him do what he does everyday. They say it’s their  _ job  _ as parents, and Luke. Luke. 

 

They despise Luke.  

 

They’ve cut him out of his life in every way  _ possible.  _ They’ve taken him away and hired a  _ private investigator  _ to make sure Luke doesn’t get to their son. It’s all a little overzealous and Luke doesn’t  _ like  _ it but there’s nothing they can do. They tried sneaking around and it would end in Ashton getting yelled and and his depression sinking all the worse.

 

The thing is, Luke knows he’s loved. Luke knows Ashton loves him and he knows he’s admired and he knows that Ashton really,  _ really  _ wants him around. Ashton isn’t the type to let you forget he loves you. He’ll remind you in the morning, in the evening and night, say it like it’s not meant to mean anything but means everything all at once. 

 

Ashton’s parents, though, they make it hell for them to be together. It’s not worth it, Luke decided. It’s not worth it to spend thirty minutes listening to Jet Pack Blues and shit laughing and feeling lighter than air. It’s not worth it to spend a half an hour a day laughing and talking and spend the weeks before planning for it. 

 

So they don’t talk. Or they do. Once a week, letters slipped into the other’s locker on Friday’s. They’re not happy about it, not in the least, but Luke loves the long emotional (because when  _ wasn’t  _ he emotional, on New Year's, Ashton wrote him a letter full of thank you’s for the year with him. Luke loved, it, despite what he said.) letters Ash leaves him. 

 

The one class he has with Ashton he sits across the room from each other, and it’s English. It’s not like they talk, as the teacher knows his parents don’t want them to talk, and as a family friend, he said it won’t happen. 

 

The teacher asked if they read any good pieces of poetry in the last week. 

 

“ ‘ve got one, sir.” Ashton says from the front of the room, on the other side, under his breath and Luke keeps his head down, feels  _ watched  _ and Luke  _ listens.  _

 

Ashton isn’t subtle, looks at Luke as he stands and won’t start talking until his intense hazel eyes are burning into Luke’s icy blue ones. 

 

“You were on my side, even when I was wrong. And I love you, for giving me your eyes, staying back and watching me shine. I didn’t know if you knew, so I’m taking this chance to say, I had the best days with you.”

 

And Luke thought back to all the days they spent together. All the days that he joked he was “Ashton thigh trash” and got smacked by Ashton, all the days where they sat and did nothing but found something to talk about, all the inside jokes like how Luke thought Girl Almighty was made with a lyric randomizer, or how rAWR means I love you in dinosaur and was subsequently texted every night before bed. And when Ashton got into art, the little sketched of Luke given for a birthday.

The little world they built together, just the two of them.

 

He thought back to the broken version of themselves they were when they met and how they grew into each other, growing into each other and fixing each other slowly but surely. How they patched each other up and helped each other, how much they’d  _ changed,  _ and how it was okay, because they changed  _ together. _

 

They were family. They were Ashton and Luke. 

 

Luke didn’t say a thing, as Ashton sat down and the class smirked. Because the world and everyone in that classroom there was no ripping apart family.

 

And that’s exactly what Luke and Ashton were. 


End file.
